The Way it wasn’t supposed to be
All those men never listening —
The pain of internalizing the taking by force
When men have so much the more economic power they can do much with that and sabotage women at every turn
Today I was just thinking if men go around feeling entitled to sex acts well feeling they can pay for them; entitled to marriage, children, pimping and whoring themselves and everyone else does that make them fit for power?
I just don’t wish to be possessed by churchthumpers e or stalked or hacked I’m tired of people simply pretending all the sexual violence I’ve suffered is ok
Michael would brainwash and gaslight me to ‘accept’ as normal him always fitting me into the same patterning
And he was selling me out. All the time he was identifying all the problems “I would have brain damage if I was you,” because homelessness ages you like nothing else, the stress levels and violence of being out on the streets beat you up but not more than the lies of a Palestinian man posing as a Christian who is the devil Himself. Michael said how people not taking your concerns seriously can undermine your safety. And then he did that more than anyone else — he sold me off constantly — on top of it he added to the mix a matchmaker and a coterie of men who felt entitled to marry me on the spot.
The strangest part was that Michael argued that I should not marry any of the men the matchmaker wished to set me up with but in spite of the fact it was he who put me in that situation, he refused to help me get out of it, and ignored the threats to my safety once again
Yet he was the one who put me up to all these situations and as a “Christian” he was arguing for marriage for love while quite blatantly handing me over to a bunch of people arranging marriages through the church in a way that seemed anything but holy. It was so strange that a man posing as a devout Christian was as loyal as a snake and the biggest liar I ever met, Satan Himself and I didn’t fully “get it” even if I accused him of being Satan and a snake 🐍 ! The shock was too great especially as someone who was starving, naked, hysterical.
My phone was kept as collateral, my link card was stolen too. There were more single men in the building than available women so I became the target of more lust and intrigue and men vying to force me to marry them
I knew I should go to an event that friday open beats
Through all that time Michael wouldn’t listen I could see him looming just like the rabbit in Donnie Darko
After years finally he explained ‘what was happening’ according to him the whole time he lied to me and faked a friendship when he wanted a serious relationship and children
It was then he said “we weren’t in agreement” in spite of the fact at every point up to then he pretended to be in perfect accord with my honesty about the wish I honored about being a true friend to him
For I was there for him through mental illness always giving support — I was the only one who took care of him when he was sick with a tooth abscess — I kept my word and was a kindred soul through it all
But instead of taking seriously the dangers to my person — even as he identified the trouble — Michael introduced new ones
I reported him to police they did nothing
But he never took care of my health or took even a moment to support me or provide an escape from the causes of trauma indeed of which he was one.
Michael pretended counter-productive “solutions” would cover for him and other men who wanted nothing more than to rape me and force me to bear their children
Last night I saw the Daemonicus episode of The X-Files and was reminded of Michael! Even if his agenda didn’t work his penultimate scheme was to find a rich Jewish man to marry me to: and if his “revenge” against Edie Sedgewick didn’t satisfy anyone (she died, was murdered for sure), well after I called him “the original hipster” inspired by Mailer, who ran for mayor of New York, and ran the article about the “psychopathic brilliance” of the “white negro” well Mr. Dylan would have it out for me if these years as chicken noodle soup weren’t enough proof of conspiracy to cut and dry me like a Warhol fingerprint.
In the episode the villain is able to bend the characters to his will and play with them just like bouncy balls. Michael’s ploy to marry me to a rich Jewish man won’t work. Even if I discovered the way him and Bob Dylan and so many outlandish men place jinxes and hexes on women —
Edie may never have had a childhood, easily manipulated and emptied of her true self by opportunists — for years I have been suffocated energetically by men hoping to murder me for jealousy’s sake. Women are hardly so maniacal. Women are more likely to suffocate men with our breasts than to strangle them
Still to this day I see men who assaulted me having kids before me and Michael and all those like him make a mockery of Justice
Is love forcing women into motherhood when they’ve crumbled under duress, abuse, and human cruelty —
Should children be brought into a world of pain, slavery, in a word because I see men play the power card all the time and separate these most often younger women from their babies
With all the trouble and worry where I’ve been I fear I would be separated from my children whether by imposed mental illness (or trauma caused by men) or suicide to ease their suffering
I am tired because of all this demonic energy or narcissistic men feeling entitled to control and sex.